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Black Belt Magazine’s Most Beautiful Man, 2014

Washington D.C.- Mixed martial artists are the ugliest fighters in America, according to a recent Gallup poll.

The poll asked Americans from a wide range of ages, occupations, income levels, and geographical locations to rank the physical attractiveness of practitioners of several martial arts: karate, tae kwon do, hand slap, tai chi with bushy sideburns, sumo wrestling, Magic: The Gathering, Mortal Kombat, escrima, boxing, kickboxing, and Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

“These men didn’t start ugly,” said Jim Asplund of Gallup. “It was clear from the poll that the public felt they became ugly as a direct result from mixed martial arts.”

MMA fighters suffer a long list of aesthetic maladies throughout their career. According to the Organization of Scientific Combat, Aggression, and Racism (OSCAR), fighters are prone to leather face, cauliflower ear, missing teeth, broken bones, hideous bruises, mat burn, keloids, skin tags, hyperextended joints, and gonorrhea.

“It’s a race against time,” said Brian Veneerial, an amateur MMA fighter from Tulsa, OK. “We all know that eventually we may get so ugly we need to get a respectable job with benefits like good pay, health insurance, regular hours, and you know.”

That fear makes many budding fighters take advantage of their good looks before they’re gone. Richard Swavee, owner of Coconutters nightclub in Largo, FL, said he sees it all the time.

“Lots of fighters work as a bouncer at night clubs,” Swavee said. “It keeps their skills sharp and helps them get all that pussy before they become regular fucks and get a real job.”

Not every fighter believes the decline is inevitable, though.

“Randy Couture is a rugged ugly that is handsome–no homo,” said John Trombone, a pro fighter from Little Rock, AK. “But okay, yeah, Chuck Liddell has become uglier.”

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Trombone has also seen a decline in his own looks, which he attributes to his long MMA career beginning in December 2013.

“Looking back I would’ve preferred becoming an Ambercrombie and Fitch model,” Trombone said as he rubbed stitches above his eye. “I thought by becoming a fighter I would get all the fame, money, and sex I wanted. Now I just hurt all over and don’t have anything to show for it but this discharge from my penis.”

Veneerial has no regrets.

“Hell no I don’t wish I was some pussy model,” Veneerial said.. “I’m a modern day warrior and display my cauliflower ear with pride.”

At press time, Veneerial’s girlfriend was sitting on his lap and nibbling his ear.

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